Abby (1993/1994) Age 12-13

Around the age of 12, during the 1993/1994 school year when I was in 7th grade, I met this girl Abby. We quickly became friends and started hanging out almost every day. Soon into the friendship she started flirting with me a lot, and always used this one line that messed with my head. "I'll give you sex" she would say. Being a shy guy and never getting much attention from girls, I was really excited every time she said it. I would think about when and where, I would walk up to her and try to put my arms around her and she would giggle and move away. I would be on the phone, and try and talk her into coming to my house when my parents weren't home, but she never did because she always had an excuse...it got the point where she would call me and ask me to hang out, and tell me she was gonna "give me sex". I lived a short bike ride distance from her, and if she ever wanted company or wanted a favor, she would sometimes throw in "I'll give you sex" to get me to do something. I started  having strong feelings for this girl, even though I was confused, I still believed she liked me. One day I was hanging out and another guy showed up...we all chilled for a little bit and then they started to kiss in front of me, and he put his hands up her shirt then they went into the house and left me outside. I waited about 10-15 minutes, and while sitting there, all I could think about was what they were doing inside, and it hurt like hell. I spent weeks picturing myself doing those things with her, and now I couldn't get those pictures of them out of my head...After some intense pain, I gathered myself and rode my bike home...Never spoke to her again after that...its been 26 years and I still think about the "why" of that situation. I don't think I will ever understand why anyone can do something like that to someone else. If she wasn't into me, why pretend and put me through that for all those months? Why did my first encounter with a crush have to be so painful?

Stephanie 1 (1994/1995) Age 13-14

She was dating another friend of mine at the time, and was part of a pretty big circle of friends I had. Well they broke up and me and Stephanie became good friends. I had a little bit of a crush on her, but kept it to myself. Just didn't want to bother with it, we were both single and friends and I was happy with things that way. We hung out a lot and went through a lot together, after about a year of hanging out and getting close, she met this guy, and stopped talking to me. One day I got a hold of her, and asked her what was up, and she told me her boyfriend didn't want her talking to me. I guess she must have spoke of me too much or maybe he just told her not to talk to any guys. I lost a friend and went through a pretty hard depression, all because some guy thought he owned her. I never spoke to her again, I think she moved at some point. The worst part is, that guy ended up being one of my brothers friends years later, and every time I saw him I felt sick.

Andrea (1995) Age 14

She was a skater girl that lived in my neighborhood. She had a half pipe (skate ramp) in her back yard so I was over there a lot hanging out. I eventually asked her out and she said yes. She would come over and we would play games, ESPN Xtreme games on PS1 had just released, and we played that a lot. On the 3rd day, I walked her home, and for that 10 minute walk I was trying to work up the nerve to kiss her. When we got to her house, I said bye and leaned in to kiss her, and she put her hands out and pushed on my chest and stopped me, and said "my parents might see"...which wasn't possible because there were bushes blocking, but ok I assumed she was just nervous so I told her I would see her tomorrow and went home. The bike ride home I felt amazing and confident, and I knew I wouldn't be nervous the next time I tried to kiss her. The next day my friend Paul came up to me when I was in line to get pizza at the Mall. He goes "Hey, Andrea sent me to tell you she just wants to be friends" and I was like "Yeah ok, sure" and acted like I was ok with that, but I was heart broken. I stopped hanging out at her house and lost contact with her soon after.

Jennifer (1997) Age 16

I had a crush on Jen for many years up to this point. We had a few classes together over the years (when lower grades mixed in stuff like art class, because she was a grade or 2 below me), and I just felt this intense attraction to her every time I saw her. I worked up the nerve one day to call her and tell her I had a crush on her. We spoke on the phone many times over a period of 2 weeks or so. I was also in a class with her cousin, which I didn't even know until she mentioned that her cousin Jen was talking to a secret crush on the phone. I told her I was the guy, and asked her to describe me to Jen. So for 2 weeks I'm talking to Jen on the phone, and talking to her cousin in class. It was feeling like I might actually have a girlfriend soon. I kept trying to get Jen to meet up with me somewhere so we can talk in person, but she wouldn't. One day I was at Regal Cinemas seeing a movie, and me and my friend were leaving and I saw Jen with a bunch of people, heading into the theater. I said 'hey' to her, and she said 'Hi' in a really cute friendly way and smiled at me. I couldn't work up the nerve to say who I was because she was with a lot of other guys and I was scared they would attack me verbally or physically. Later that night I talked to her on the phone, and I was like "Hey we met today" and she was like "Oh really? when?" and I said "At the movie theaters, i was the guy in the black/red hoodie who said hi to you." and then I go "You looked so hot" and she goes "ew" *click*, hangs up on me. My heart broke, I called her right back but she picked up and hung up right away. I felt this intense hatred for myself. I spent a few days beating myself up thinking "why did i say that?" "why am I so stupid?", and after a few days I started to wonder if that was the reason she hung up. Maybe she remembered what I looked like, i mean we made eye contact and said hi to each other, I'm pretty sure that was fresh in her mind from just a few hours before the call. I'll never know the reason, but either way I hated myself for a long time after that...

Amanda (1998) Age 17

Amanda was a girl I knew for years, but didn't know her well. Her parents owned a junk/scrap yard and lived in a house connected to it. I hung out in the woods behind her house a lot (there was a little zip-line we used), and I would see her from time to time. She shows up at my house one day in the summer, with another friend of mine. We hung out for a while playing games and listening to music. Later in the evening my friend went home, and Amanda asked if she could stay the night because she was fighting with her parents at home. I asked my dad if she could crash the night, and he said no. I spent like 2 hours arguing with my dad trying to talk him into letting her stay. In between arguments, I sat with her on the couch, and she leaned into me and I put my arm around her. She went out front for a cigarette and I went out with her. I leaned against the wall and pulled her over to me and put my arm around her waist as she leaned back against me. She began pushing/rubbing her ass against my crotch gently and I thought we were gonna hook up for sure, maybe even more. The problem was my dad, who pretty much said bluntly "Shes not sleeping here so that you 2 can have sex". LMAO, this asshole is gonna ignore me my whole life, then sudden wants to prevent me from finally experiencing happiness? I was 17 for fuck sake, I have been empty and alone up to this point, and did he have even the slightest clue? NO. And every single person I knew had already had sex...

Anyway...I finally convinced him to let her stay, but he said I wasn't allowed in the room with her. I waited till he went to bed and I went downstairs where she was, but the light was out and it was hard to see. I crept over to the bed, assuming she was waiting for me, and touched her shoulder and was like "Hey, wanna do anything" and she was like "Do what?" and I just said bluntly "Sex"...and she goes "UH NO I'm trying to sleep what the hell" and acted like it was this unexpected thing like I was a pervert or something. I went back upstairs and just felt sick. The morning came and I woke her up and told her I had taken some pills the night before and couldn't remember much about last night (a really lame excuse yeah, but why did I even need one? she was the jerk, not me). She left and I was afraid she would tell people and get me beat up, but that never happened thankfully. Don't think I ever saw her again after that either.

Lost Love (2000/2001) Age 19-20

**Note: I wrote this in 2001, so it might have a different tone then most of the other stories in this blog.**

   It was July of 2000, on a Sunday. I just got done 2 huge concerts one day after the other and i was too tired to do anything. Not only that, i was shot down by a girl i liked the day before trying to ask her out, so i was a bit down about that. I was invited to come watch band practice at a friends house and for some reason, i decided to go. I met 2 girls iv never seen before, and we all just watched my friends band practice, then we went hanging out around the area at Mcdonalds and a few other places. We all just kinda talked as a group, not really any one to one conversations going. I got home and went online and got an message from one of the girls, me and her talked online for a while, then i asked if she felt like talking on the phone, she did. We talked on the phone for about 3 hours, we had a lot in common, and she was like me in a lot of ways.. After talking for a while, we made plans to hang out the next day. I picked her up at work and we came back to my house, i showed her around and we talked a bit. I liked her a lot, and i wanted to let her know, but wasn't sure what i should do, and i wasn't sure if she liked me. We went to a park and sat next to each other on a set of steps, we talked for a little and i just put my arm around her. She grabbed my hand and i realized this was actually happening. That night i dropped her off and asked her if she wanted to go out with me, and she said yes.

    That would be Kristy. For the first week or so, she had trouble looking at me. She said she just needed time to get use to me, i didn't mind. We hung out a bunch and we started to get more comfortable with each other. We got to know a lot about one another, we shared our problems, talked about our hopes, dreams and fears. We always held each other close and each moment i was with her was the best feeling i had ever had in my life. Every new day just seemed to get better and better, i no longer felt alone, i no longer felt depressed all the time, and my self esteem was finally anything-but-zero.

    As with all relationships, there are always negatives. One thing with her was she was always frustrated at something, usually her family. When i would pick her up at her house, she would get in my car and slam the door, i ask her whats wrong and she would just pout and say "nothing". It got really repetitive and annoying (only sometimes) but i figured it would change eventually, so i never brought it up because she would just get upset if i did. Whenever she seemed upset or down i tried my hardest to cheer her up, if i had plans and she called me up crying that her dad was being an asshole, i would drop my plans and go over to pick her up. All i wanted was to make her happy and i achieved that for the most part.

    Another big negative was her smoking habit, she smoked quite a lot and i hated it. I asked her to quite one day and really got into the idea. I started by telling her to smoke 1 less Cig a day after each new week, she agreed to the idea and it got down to 1 cig a day and she just said she would stop after that week. She was mad about it and claimed i forced her to do it, but i just couldn't stand watching her smoke, it literally hurt me to see that because i cared about her so much. One day we were talking and she suddenly got a bit quiet, i asked her whats wrong and once again i got "nothing"...when i wouldn't stop asking, she got upset and said i was gonna hate her. After a few minutes of her not telling me what was wrong, i said i already knew anyway, and told her i smelled smoke on her breath earlier (this was almost 2 months after she quite). She got really upset and kept saying she was sorry, and it hurt like hell that she was doing it behind my back, but i didn't tell her that, she was already upset enough, and i didn't want her feeling worse that she made me upset...About 2 weeks later i said lets start over, and we did the whole thing over, she quite and then i found out again she was doing it behind my back. She refused to try a 3rd time.

    We both started to get frustrated at each other. She called me at bad times a lot and i would get frustrated and tell her to call back later or i would tell her "i will call later"...but i forgot sometimes. One day when we were hanging at my house she told me she wanted to take time off, she didn't know when or for how long. I said lets start tomorrow and make it 2 weeks, with minimum phone calls...she was upset but agreed to it. When the 2 weeks were finally up, we went to a movie with some of her friends. After the movie she was chatting with them and i was just leaning against a poll, when we were walking back to my car she asked me why i didn't talk at all, i said i didn't know and she called me shady. I tossed my soda bottle across the ground not really pissed, just annoyed at being called shady...so she gets pissed and wouldn't talk, we meet up with her friends at a restaurant and she sits a few seats away from me. I just sat there and didn't order anything, then she comes over after about 20 minutes and goes "whats wrong" like its no big deal at all. I didn't feel like saying anything so i didn't. We went back to my house and talked for a little, then i dropped her off. After that things returned to normal.

    For a while my parents were planning a divorce, i wasn't paying much attention to it, but all of a sudden my dad moved out one day. My mom decided to re-do the WHOLE HOUSE. I spent 3+ months helping with the house, my relationship with Kristy slowed down a lot because i didn't spend as much time with her, but i was looking forward to finishing my room so we could have a nice place to spend time together before she left for college. One day we were at my house, it was Thursday, May 10th...I was just about finished my room, i had about 2-3 more days left, when my biggest fear happened...she wanted a "break"...i knew this wasn't like last time, because she wasn't upset. She promised me she just needed time off, she called it "Time to think without the Stress of a relationship". That didn't make any fucking sense to me and i told her that, she claimed it was because i wasn't in the same situation. I told her i just didn't want to lose her, and she said "you wont, we will always be friends" and that kinda got me more upset. I had no choice, i had to agree because she wanted it. I figured she was just gonna think about things and then come talk to me after a little while. She said we could try a "Friends with benefits" thing, but just not a relationship, i wasn't sure about that and didn't give an answer. The first week i was fine with it and figured it wouldn't last long...then it started to hit me, it was gonna take a while. One day i took her to see her aunt, and after that i wanted to talk at my house but she didn't want to. We came back to my house and when i tried to kiss her she wouldn't let me, i asked her why, she said "I don't need that stuff right now".  I asked her if she thought about us yet, and she said "I don't know what i want"...i cracked, i couldn't believe what was happening after almost 10 months of being so close, none of it made any sense to me. I kept bugging her for answers and she kept saying "I haven't thought about it yet" "I'm thinking about too much other stuff"...Then one day i found out she was hooking up with someone else, that just added more weight to my pain, she said "it just happened"...what the fuck ever. I got the same shit for 3 weeks, those were the 3 longest weeks of my life. One day i told her i couldn't take it anymore, and she promised me she would talk to me about it when she got back from her Vacation.

    She went on vacation for a week, and the pain i went through waiting for her to come home was immense. I beat myself up trying to figure out what she was gonna say, i really had no clue if she would want to get back together or not. I kept thinking about the lies and games she kept playing with me, and couldn't make sense of them. I always tried my hardest to make her happy, and i loved doing anything and everything for her..."why would she do this to me" i kept asking myself, and the only answer i could come up with was that maybe she didn't have any feelings for me anymore. I sent her a long email explaining how i felt and that i wanted to get back together, but i also told her not to do anything she didn't want to do....the week went by really slow, i tried to keep busy by doing as much as i could outside of the house, but whatever i tried, nothing helped.

    Friday came and i knew she was coming home, but i thought it was gonna be late and that i would talk to her Saturday. I called about 7pm just to see if she came back yet, and she was sleeping. She called me about 8 and asked me to pick her up to hang out because she had stuff to do Saturday. I asked her if she read my email and all she said was "yeah"...i picked her up and she started talking about the kid she hooked up with, telling me he called her from Georgia (he went to camp for 4 months). I was already frustrated and upset like hell, and here she is telling me about how she thinks she misses him, but she wasn't "sure" if she missed him she told me. I asked her for an answer and once again i got "i dot have one yet", i got pissed but didn't let her know, i just bugged her all night for a damn answer, and i finally got it out of her after 2-3 hours, she didn't want to get back together.

    After i finally had an answer, realization hit me very hard, but i think all the time i had before the answer helped soften it a bit. I was upset like hell and confused even more, but there was nothing i could do. I already told her how i felt and that made no difference to her, she did not want a relationship anymore. For the first week i tried to just deal with it, but i couldn't get the questions out of my mind, and i couldn't get the pain our of my chest. When we hung out again after about a week, it was really hard for me, i kept wanting to walk up behind her and wrap my arms around her, but i couldn't anymore. I decided i needed to kept my distance from her as best i could, until i got better. I still talked to her online and the phone because i knew she was having a hard time with everything else that was going on in her life, because she was leaving for college at the end of the summer and none of her friends were gonna be there. I tried to just be there as a friend for her. After talking with her a few nights i realized she didn't want to talk to me about anything. Every time i asked her to tell me what was wrong, she would say "just stuff" and refused to talk to me about anything. I asked why she wouldn't talk and she told me "I don't talk to anyone anymore". I asked her what she meant by 'anymore', and she wouldn't tell me. I started getting frustrated, because she would always bring up the fact that "stuff" was bothering her, but she wouldn't tell me what that "stuff" was. We got into a few arguments over it, and one night it turned into a huge fight. I felt like crap after the fight but i didn't know what to do, i wanted her to understand what she put me through and understand how i felt, but i didn't want to make her feel any worse then she already did. As much as i tried to not make her feel worse, i know the fight did. She wanted me to just be a friend, and i wanted to also, but it was so hard for me to do that without questioning things.

    1 week before she left for college, we hung out so i could say goodbye. It had been 2 months since i saw her, and it was just so hard to look at her and hug her. We hung out for about an hour, then i dropped her at home. We made plans to see each other one last time before she left, but when the time came she refused to let me stop by her house, she said "its too weird right now" but she wouldn't explain what she meant by that. She left for college leaving me all confused and upset, and nothing i could do about it. The first 3 weeks she was gone she called me every day, i started wondering if maybe she was missing me, and that led me to start thinking about a whole lot of things, like us getting back together. She came home for 1 weekend 3 weeks after leaving, and once again, she wouldn't let me hang out with her. She said "its still feels too weird", and i still had no god damn clue what she meant, and she refused to explain it to me. When she got back to college we just started arguing like crazy online and the phone. She found new friends and started hanging out all over the place, she would brag to me about how its always her and 2 girls with about 5-6 guys. It got me jealous and upset as hell, and i started asking her what she was doing with all these guys and she tells me "Why do you always want to know what I'm doing every time i hang out with guys". Shit like this went on for about 2 weeks.

    After 4 months (May-September) this girl was still tormenting me, i start telling her i needed her out of my life if i was ever going to be happy again. After a full summer of her not being there for me when i needed her to help me understand things, and all the lies and bullshit she fed to me, i couldn't think of anything but getting her out of my life in order to start healing. 2 days went past and she called me up and said "I wanted to tell you something, but your being an asshole, so never mind" and hung up. I called her back asking her what the fuck her problem was, and she tells me she had something to tell me. I asked her what it was, and she says "Iv been dating Matt since June", and she just sat there waiting for my reaction. I got more pissed off then i have ever been at her in my life just then, and i cursed her out and called her all kinds of names and told her to never call me again. The next day i was online and her friend Zoey was using her Screen name online, Zoey told me Kristy had been going out with Matt since her Birthday (Her birthday is May 12th, 2 days before she had put us on "break"). That hit me like 50 tons of fucking steel, I broke down like hell when i found that out. All my confusion, all my pain, all my anger, all my suffering was multiplied by a million in a split second. She dragged me through this long fucking ride through hell, all along she had the ability to cut me lose and she choose to stand there with the knife in hand and just watch me suffer. How could the person i loved more then the world do this to me. Nothing made sense to me all summer, and all of a sudden it was perfectly clear, she fell in love with someone else.

Zoey (2001) Age 20

Zoey was a friend/roommate that Kristy met at college. I would talk to Kristy on 'AIM' (AOL Instant Messenger) a lot, and one day Zoey jumped onto Kristy's screen name and started talking to me...I got her (Zoeys) screen name and we started chatting. Within just a few days, she told me she had feelings for me...I was stunned...but happy at the same time. I was in a ton of pain after the hell Kristy put me through, and I finally felt happy for the first time in 6 months.  After chatting for a week or so, we made plans to meet up. She said she would be in my area in a few weeks and that we could "hang out and bang" as she put it. This got me really excited, because I was still a virgin and horny as hell. She mailed me a letter along with a picture of herself (read "Zoeys letter" below), and she was very attractive so I was suddenly over Kristy...or so I thought. I didn't hear from her for about a week leading up to the time she was suppose to be in town, and I started feeling sick. The week arrived, and I sat by my house phone for hours every day waiting for the call, each day was more painful and made me sick. When the week ended, I caught Kristy online and asked her what happened, and she told me Zoey stayed at Toms house (a guy I barely knew who lived like 10 houses down from me) the whole week. I couldn't understand, she said all those things to me online, sent me a hand written letter and picture through snail mail even, told me she was looking forward to seeing me and hanging out...so why did she sleep with some other guy who lives on my same block? She left me sitting by the phone waiting for her call, and every day I got more and more depressed. Its an endless Nightmare with women, and at this point I was convinced I was cursed....I must have done something horrible to women in my past life.

---------------------------------Zoeys Letter---------------------------------

Hey Sexy, whats up? (like I can hear your answer.) I know this is strange (your exs friend writing u & all, but I think we should be [friends?]. There's something about u that intreges me, and makes me want to get to know u. You seem like the kinda guy I could easily get along w/. Correct me if I'm wrong but I think your just like me in alot of ways. From what I can tell, your a very physical person (need to be touched by girlfriend all the time, right? ;P) your easily jealous, get attached really quickly, and are looking for something rather serious in a relationship. If this is true, then we are the same. If not, then I'm sorry for thinking that. I just feel some strange connection to u, maybe I'm wrong but I think you know what I'm talking about. Listening to Kristy talk to you brings up painful memories for me, and I know how your feeling, so if you wanna talk I'm always here for you, ok hunny. I can only tell you to keep your head up and hang in there, everything will get better I promise you. Your probably feeling conflicted, but just try to tell yourself everything happened for the better. Maybe, well u definitely should try to move on, its hard, but it helps. One word of advice, dont jump head first into another relationship. See people, not just 1 or 2, but alot. Figure out what you need & want in a girl, then go start your search for your soul mate. If you ever need help or advice about girls or anything, please call me at ###-###-####. I know we met for a reason, I just don't know it is. I hope we can be friends, and I hope to hear from you soon.

-Love, Zoey.

PS: This is a bad pic of me sorry.

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Blythe (2002) Age 21

I only knew Blythe for a few weeks, but I had a big crush on her. I met her through my friend Jeremy, who was another friend of mine who could get laid like it was nothing. Whenever we hung out, I would pick her up and we would drive around and hang out in parking lots, or shopping centers, or Jeremy's house. After a few weeks hanging out, I wasn't getting any vibes that she was into me, but I told her I liked her anyway. She said she "Wasn't sure" how she felt, and we continued hanging out as if I never said it. About a week later, she asks me to drive her to a friends house so we can watch some new movie. We get there and this guy comes out of the house and she walks up and hugs him, and we all go inside. He puts on the TV and him and Blythe leave me in the room by myself. I start feeling really uncomfortable as time goes on, 10 minutes, then 20 minutes...I must have sat there watching shitty TV for a half hour or so alone. She comes back and says his mom is kicking us out cause hes not allowed to have people over. I didn't see or hear anyone else, but who knows, I was more upset thinking about what they were doing for all that time, and how she used me for a ride and left me alone in this strangers house. I dropped her off and was pretty much done with her at that point...a few days later I went over Jeremy's to hang out, and it was normal to just walk in and go up to his room without knocking or anything. I opened the door to his room and him and Blythe were hooking up, I just walked back out and went home. Not long after that I stopped talking to Jeremy, mostly because he was always with some girl and I was just sitting there as a 3rd wheel, it was really annoying.

Karen & Cheryl (2003) Age 22

I had this friend Jim, and he was the kind of guy who would go into an AOL chat room, put his picture up, and girls would line up to have sex with him. One day he asks me to go along to meet some girl from online, he said there were 2 girls there so I might be able to get with the other girl. We drove to Kensington and I met Karen and Cheryl. Cheryl was in Jim's arms almost instantly, because he was just that good looking...I hung out with Karen and we talked for a while and used her computer to watch videos online, I showed her a video I made that went viral in early 2000, and she was like "OMG I saw that video before, you made that??" and I felt like a super star. We talked for a bit, she told me about experiences she had with other women and I realized she was pretty experienced with sex at just age 20. Jim came back from wherever the hell he was (obviously having sex) and we left. I got Karen's AOL Screen name and we started talking online.

Within a day or 2 she told me she had a crush on me, and asked me to come hang out, and I drove over (was about 1hr drive) and after I got there, we started making out within a few minutes. We hooked up for a few weeks, but she wouldn't go any further because her mom was always in the next room over. On top of that, I talked to Cheryl online and she flirted with me a lot, saying stuff like, I had a nice butt and she wished Jim wasn't around so she could hook up with me. That only made things worse for me in my head. I couldn't get anywhere with Karen, and now I'm thinking if I dump her I could get with Cheryl. Eventually I talked Karen into coming to my house, I figured we could have sex there no problem. We got to my house and she started looking uncomfortable. She explained to me that anytime she leaves the Philly area she gets sick (something Cheryl mentioned to me before), so after only being at my house for about 30 minutes, we drove back to her house. She took a shower, come out of the bathroom and posed naked for me (this was out of nowhere), she put on underwear and we started making out on the bed under the covers. I got her underwear off, and was kissing her on her neck and I moved down her body.  I got below her belly button, and she stopped me, said her mom might walk in (her mom was asleep) and I was like "come on shes asleep" and Karen was insistent so I stopped, and we made out for a while longer before I went home.

A few days later, me. Cheryl and Karen were hanging out in her apartment really late and we all ended up falling asleep on the same bed, in our cloths. Around 6am Karen starts freaking out, and tries to desperately shove me off the bed, I can hear someone using keys on the front door of the apartment. This guy in his 40s walks in and starts flipping out, screaming and crying and tossing things around the room. Saying stuff like "I love you and you sleep in this bed with another guy"...Cheryl and Karen's mom are urging me to leave so I get my shoes on and leave. I sat out in my car for about an hour, waiting for them to come outside. Finally they came outside, and we drove to Cheryl's house. On the ride there, the girls explained to me that he was the landlord, and that he let Karen and her mom and sister stay there for free because Karen was his girlfriend. Karen was upset so I didn't even bother asking any questions as to why she hooked up with me. We got to Cheryl's and went inside, I saw this 9-10 year old girl using a computer in the corner of the living room (Cheryl's little sister), and I also met her parents who seemed cool. Karen wouldn't even talk to me, so I ended up going home.

I got home an hour later and saw Cheryl online (using AIM) and asked her if Karen was still there. She said "No". We chatted for a bit, and she says "I have such a crush on you, but I'm shy about it. I wish you would just make a move and kiss me". At this point I was done with Karen, and Jim was with a bunch of other girls so I figured Cheryl was free to pursue, so I was like "Sure". She said "talk to you tomorrow" and signed off. I was up all night thinking about Cheryl. I saw her online the following day and asked her if she wanted to hang out, and she said sure. I picked her up and we went back to my house. We were in my basement watching TV and sitting next to each other on the couch, I tried to put my arm around her and she freaked out, and asked me to take her home. I was feeling like the world was insane at this point. After dropping her off and getting back home, Karen called me to bitch at me for making a move on Cheryl, like I was cheating on her or something...I stopped talking to them that day, and I never heard from them again. I spent years thinking about how evil and twisted they both were, and went through a lot of pain and stress...then one day, like 3-4 years after everything had happened, I had this powerful Epiphany, as if the universe itself showed me what happened through a vision. I remembered that 9-10 year old girl I saw sitting at the computer, and realized she was the one saying those things to me online, pretending to be Cheryl. Most people who used AIM, stored their passwords so they didn't have to type it out every time they logged on, so sometimes I was talking to Cheryl, and sometimes I was talking to the little sister...

Lauren (2004) Age 23

Lauren was friends with my friend Brandon. I had met her a bunch of times through him, and I talked to her on AIM (AOL Instant Messenger) from time to time. Another friend of ours was Jake, and Lauren was "dating" Jake's brother. This guy, whose name I forget, was a complete DOG. He had Lauren believing she was his girlfriend, but he was banging like 3-4 other girls. Brandon, Jake and I all knew this, and Lauren was suspicious, but too 'stupid in love' to see it. This went on for months, and Lauren was a sweet quiet shy (and gorgeous) women, and I really felt bad for her and wanted to just tell her straight out about this jerk, but that would have compromised my friendship with Brandon and Jake. so I watched as she would get upset and cry thinking hes cheating, and he denies it, and Brandon and Jake don't say anything.

Eventually I started feeling stress about it, I kept thinking how ungrateful this piece of shit is, he has the beautiful girl who cares about him, and he could care less. Meanwhile I have this huge hole inside me, wishing I had someone like that who cared about me, it caused me a lot of stress. One day on AIM she tells me she hasn't been able to stop crying for days, and that she wished she knew for sure if he was doing something so she could leave him. I couldn't take it anymore, and I decided to tell her everything I knew. I said "Yes, hes cheating" and I gave her times and dates and details to prove it, she already had suspicions of certain dates, so I knew it would convince her. Within 10 minutes of me telling her, and with the AIM conversation window still open on my computer screen, I get a phone call from Brandon..."Yo, Did you tell Lauren that DOG cheated on her?!?". My heart sank, here I am trying to help this girl get away from an asshole that is causing her a ton of pain, and she goes and attempts to ruin one of the few friendships I have. Luckily I was smart and denied it, and I quickly saved the AIM conversation before closing the window. I told Brandon "No, i was just talking to her on AIM and she told me that she found proof, but I still told her i didn't know anything". After getting off the phone, I opened the AIM conversation in HTML, and edited it to fit my story. I then printed it up and gave it to Brandon and DOG to "Prove" I didn't tell her. I'm not really sure what happened after that, I stopped talking to Lauren, Jake and Brandon moved on with their lives and I was left damaged once again by some selfish women...and yes I get it, she was hurting and not really evil, just selfish at my expense...

Jessica (2004) Age 23

One of the most heartless evil women I have ever come across in this life. Jessica was girlfriends with a friend of mine, named Matt. She was hot as hell, and cold as ice. She cheated on him a bunch of times, and he even had charges pressed against him when he attacked someone she slept with...but he stayed with her. I hung out with them often, even made some stupid home action movies with them at one point (Matt played a drug lord and she was his girl). She use to flirt with me a lot, and I was always trying to ignore it. There was one point where we had just got out of a movie (Return of the King) and we were all standing around our cars talking, and Matt said a gross joke and Jessica goes "Ew" and comes over to me and leans against me and says "I'm going home with you". I just laughed and moved away from her, but just that little touch made me feel really lonely. I was still a virgin at 23, and it caused me a lot of stress to think about her when she was with Matt.

I could usually block out thoughts of women if they were in a relationship, but she was on my mind a lot because of the constant flirting. After moving out of Horsham into Philadelphia, Matt helped get me a job at Dominoes Pizza, where we worked together for about a year. At one point, he broke up with Jessica, and started dating another girl. I decided to call Jessica and see if she wanted to hang out, and she did. She came over and within a few minutes of us hanging out she cuddled up with me on the couch watching movies. I felt so incredibly happy for the first time in years, and didn't feel any guilt because I assumed Matt moved on (I mean, he did already have another girl). The very next day at work, he comes up to me and says "Why were you hanging out with Jess?" and my heart sunk. I said "I'm lonely and I was hoping she had some single friends I could meet." I got home from work and called her, asking her why she told him, and she says "I was arguing with him and it slipped out".

We spent the next week hanging out every day, cuddled up on my couch watching movies. I felt so happy, but at the same time I was a little uneasy about the whole thing. She asked me to go see a new Tom Cruise movie with her, called Collateral. I drove us to the theater, and we walked in holding hands, got our tickets, went into the theater holding hands and then sat down and watched the movie, and she never let go of my hand the whole time. On the ride home, she says "Don't tell Matt about us going to the movies, he will just start arguing with me again", and I agree and drop her off at her house. At this point I was convinced she liked me, and thought we were gonna be couple from then on. The next day, Matt calls me, and goes "How was the movie?", and I'm like "What movie?" and he goes "The one you saw with Jess last night"...I felt sick, and so fucking angry. First of all, who the fuck does this asshole think he is. He had been broken up with her for a few weeks, was seeing someone else, and is acting like she is his property? On top of that, she is hanging out with me and then turning around and telling him as quickly as she can, WTF.

The next day I worked, and was trying hard not to break down in front of people, because I was just sick and stressed and heartbroken. I was trying to reach Jess the night before, but I couldn't, and I couldn't think straight and all I wanted to do was talk to her. When business slowed down, the boss let me use the office, so I closed the door, called her, and she picked up. I asked her "Why did you tell Matt about the movie after telling me now to say anything?" and she says "I always talk to Matt about everything", and just acted like she did nothing wrong. She then says "I've got to go get ready, me and Matt and going to the bar tonight" and I was like "What about us?" and she goes "What do you mean Us?" and I say "Aren't we together?" and she goes "Uh no" and hangs up. I came out of the office and my Boss could see the despair on my face, he knew the situation up to this point, and I told him what she had just said to me, and he goes "So all that for nothing huh?" and he let me go home for the day.

I got home, and was feeling just about as bad as it can get, then Jess calls me..."Hey, I'm sorry for saying that earlier, I was just upset from fighting with Matt"...but I wasn't really believing her at this point, and got off the phone with her. She called me again about an hour later "Please let me make it up to you, go to the bar with me", and so I agreed to go to the bar. I picked her up and drove to the Whiskey Tango on Bustleton Ave. We get inside and we sit together, I order a drink called a "Red Death" and she gets something for herself. We sit there talking for about 15-20 minutes, then Matt shows up and comes over and she gives him a hug, then walks off with him holding his hand...At this point the alcohol is in my system, so my pain was dulled at that moment. I ordered a second 'Red Death' mixed drink, sat there by myself drinking it, talking to random people that sat near me. After some time, I looked around for Matt and Jess, but I can't find them. I asked another person who knew them, and she says "They left about 15 minutes ago"...I got a hold of Matt on the phone, and he tells me "She wasn't felling good so we are heading back to my place"...Even with all that alcohol in me, that was one of the most painful moments of my life.

I felt so dumb and gullible and heartbroken. She convinced me to forgive her, and to go to the bar with her, only to ditch me and leave me thinking about what those 2 were doing together. I left the bar and sat in my car for about an hour trying to sober up. I couldn't take it anymore, and for the first time in my life (and only time), I drove while under the influence. I made it home safe and went to bed. The next day I was extremely depressed, and hungover. I couldn't make sense of what happened, I hung out with this girl for about 2 weeks, went through a roller coaster of emotions, and never even hooked up with her. Cuddling and holding hands was as far as it went. I called out from work and just sat around wondering why I have had so many horrible experiences with women. I spoke to Matt on the phone again, and he says "She told me you tried to kiss her" and I was like "Shes mental", and he goes "Yeah I know shes lying."...After that I never spoke to Jess again, but she did leave a message on my answering machine about 2 weeks later. "Hey Eric, I just wanted to let you know I'm getting married next month, give me a call if you want an invite to the wedding". WOW, just unbelievably heartless and evil, what a god damn psychopath. I deleted the message and that was the last I heard from her. I know its not cool to try and get with a friends ex, but I had been alone most of my life up to this point, finding someone who is into me (or so I thought at the time) is nearly impossible. I'm not sorry I tried to find happiness for myself, I'm just sorry she was a heartless fucking bitch.

Stephanie the Dream (2006) Age 25

I only knew her for a few short months, but to me, Stephanie was the nicest, kindest, most beautiful woman I had ever met. She was short, with long dark hair, and stunning hypnotizing eyes. She had this amazing confidence and upbeat personality that I wasn't use to. I met her through my friend Brandon (same friend from the Lauren story), but she had a boyfriend when we first started hanging out, so I didn't have any thoughts or feelings for her, at first. At this point in life, I'm 25 and still a Virgin, with years of heartache and head games all lingering in my mind. We hung out a few times without me getting stupid like I usually do over women. Through most of my life, any women who talked to me and give me just a little bit of attention, I would find myself thinking about them and always convincing myself they liked me because they gave me some attention. I was able to hang out with Steph for about 2 weeks without driving myself crazy thinking about her after she went home, that is, until she broke up with her boyfriend. The moment she told me she was single, I instantly realized I was in love with her.

We started hanging out all the time, chilling in my room, sitting on my futon, playing games, smoking weed and talking. We would sit and stare into each others eyes and just talk about everything and anything. When we weren't talking, we were playing video games. She mentioned that she loves Mario Kart, and so I dug out my N64 and hooked it up and we started playing. She says "Ew this isn't the game I like" and I'm like "What system was it on?" and she said "Gamecube".  We still played a few rounds, and I remember getting to the finish line and stopping, waiting for her so I could finish just before she did. I ended up losing because I waited a little too long, and she accused me of letting her win and I swore I didn't, and we both laughed about it. Every time we hung out, I wanted to tell her how I felt, I wanted to put my arms around her, but I was so broken by this point in my life, my confidence had been beaten down to negative 9000, and I just felt hideous. I was also pretty sure she wasn't interested in me. Once we hung out at Brandon's apartment, and I sat on a couch with an empty seat next to me, and she sat down on a different couch, so I took that as a sign she wasn't trying to be near me, therefor had no feelings for me (yeah, I am a pathetic over analyzer). As we hung out at the apartment, I noticed she stared into everybody's eyes when she talked to someone, the same way she stared into mine when we hung out at my house, so that also convinced me she wasn't into me, and just made it much harder to feel any confidence around her.

I started talking to my friend Jim (same guy from the Karen & Cheryl story) on the phone about her, since he didn't know her like Brandon did, I felt more comfortable talking to him. I told him how I was in love with this girl, and I couldn't work up the nerve to tell her. He would try to convince me to tell her, and I would say "I can't"...this went on for weeks and weeks. One day me and Steph decide to go to my friend Mikes house, but on the way, we stopped a park. We sat on this big square rock facing each other and talking. It was night time, and there was a light above us so the area was lit up around us, but it was pitch black just outside the circle of light we were under. I decided I was gonna reach out and grab her hand, and whatever happens, happens. She says "I'm a little cold" and I'm about to reach for her hand and say something like "I can keep you warm", when we are suddenly both startled by footsteps on the rocks, and this guy walks into the lit up area, from the parks entrance/exit (which was pitch black). He just walks past us and doesn't say a word, and immediately after that, a car pulls in and its some female security person, and she tells us to leave because the park is closed. I was devastated, I finally felt confident enough to say something, and it was the perfect time, but the Universe blocked me. We then went to Mikes, smoked a little weed, watched an episode of some Anime series, and she dropped me off at my place and went home.

A few days later I was on Myspace looking at my comments, and Jim had asked me if I wanted to go to a concert with him, he said something like "I don't want to sit there alone", and there was a reply, from Stephanie, and my heart sunk, and my body went numb. She said "If I saw someone sitting alone, I would go up and sit with them"...Both comments were a few days old, so I immediately jumped onto her profile, and Jims, to see if they were talking to each other, but there weren't so I was extremely relieved. Me and Steph hung out again the following week, and this time, we went to met up with Brandon at some studio he was helping to fix up. We got there, and a couple people were sweeping and cleaning up the place, along with Brandon. He stopped and came over to talk to us for a little while, then he attempted to hand us brooms and me and Steph were like "Uh no, were leaving"...dude seriously tried to use "hanging out" as a trap to make us help him clean lol. We got back to my place and talked for a little bit, and she started to pack her weed and bowl away, and I was like "You leaving already?" and she was like "Yeah I gotta get to Jims"...

............

...so needless to say, my heart crack in half. I said "you know Jim?" and she says "Yeah I spent the night there a few days ago"...and then my heart completely shattered. I felt this numbness from head to toe, the same numbness I have felt so many times, only much much worse. I remember her asking if he was cool and I said "yeah hes a good guy" just because I was trying so hard not to show how much pain I was in. In reality he wasn't a good guy, he slept with 4-5 different women every week for years and years, I estimated that he had sex with somewhere around 3000 women in total at that point in 2006. On top of that, he spent a lot of time on the phone talking with me about her, and then turns around and has sex with her. After she left, I was nauseous and threw up for probably 2 hours, all while crying and punching things. It was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. This guy is my friend for years, and he has had all these women, while I have had ZERO. NO ONE. He couldn't just leave 1 alone, he just has to fuck every single women on the planet and still be an ungrateful waste of life. I immediately removed him from my friends on Myspace, and never spoke to him again. Unfortunately, I had to hear about him from Steph for a few days, because he was a dick to her. Soon after that, she moved to Florida. We talked on AIM for a little while after she moved, and of course I was able to tell her then that I was in love with her when I'm behind a keyboard and shes 1000 miles away...I followed with "Sorry, I'm pathetic", and she said "No your not". I don't think we ever spoke again after that conversation.

If I hadn't experienced so many mind games from women in the past, I probably wouldn't have been so insecure and stressed about my feelings for her. Regret is the worst of them all, and my biggest and only real regret in life was not being able to tell her how I felt before she moved back to Florida. All that time we hung out, I just couldn't get myself to say anything that I wanted to say. I'm pretty sure she wasn't interested in being more then friends, but if I had told her right away, I could have saved myself from a lot of pain. Its been 13 years, and I still think about her all the time. I never felt that way about anyone, not before meeting her, and not since. Whenever I see a woman with long dark hair, I'm reminded of her...and of Jim, the most selfish, greedy, piece of shit, back stabbing friend I ever had.

Kim the Cougar (2007) Age 26

**Note: This one is going to be about everything leading up to Kim, as well as what happened between us**

Intense pain and regret forced me to make a change in my life in mid 2006. I was desperate for a distraction, and some people to talk to, so I decided I was going to go out and be social. I didn't do much socializing outside of work, and now I needed to find a way to meet people...luckily, 94 WYSP had just recently switched from a rock music station, to an all talk format. They had The Barsky Show, Matt and Huggy, and Kidd Chris...among others. I worked as a driver for a big auto parts warehouse, so I enjoyed listening to all of the shows while on the road for 7 hours a day. Eventually I worked up the nerve to call the Barsky show and ask for a handout...I talked to the call screener, gave him my first name, and told him I want to ask Barsky for a hookup with laser hair removal since I heard the ad a lot on his show. They took my call over the air, and I explained how I had my heart broken and wanted hair removal. They couldn't give me such an expensive thing, so they offered to have me come into the studio and Kim (co-host of the show) would wax my back. I said something like "I'm up for a little pain" and they had the screener take my info to set up a time, but I never ended up doing it. I called the Barsky show a bunch of times over the next few months, and started using the name "Angry E".

Matt and Huggy started doing a talk show following The Barsky show, and I was hooked instantly. I grew up listening to them in the 90s with their late night show called "Rockers" where they played types of heavy metal that wasn't normally played on rock stations. I used my radio persona "Angry E" on their show as well, and I called in a lot. Their first event was at a Gamestop in NJ and I decided to go and meet them and other listeners. I left work early to drive over there and parked and walked into the store. I saw Matt and Huggy and shook their hands and could feel my cheek and neck muscles twitching, something that happens when I get nervous, I tremble and shake and have muscle spasms at random around my face and neck and shoulders. I asked the store employee if I could use the bathroom and he sent me to the furniture store next door. After taking a minute to calm down, I went back over to Gamestop and was relaxed and played some demos and talked to the hosts and other listeners. Shortly before I left, this girl caller shows up, she was skinny with dark hair and all I could think about was Steph when I saw her. She had been on the air talking about how she had sex on a Camaro and other such things, so it just depressed me to see her because of my nightmarish history with women. I left the event feeling lonely and empty, but I cheered up on the ride home because I was looking forward to calling into the show the next day, which I did, and I even mentioned seeing that girl at the store. I made a comment that she had stunning eyes, and they were like "Oh is that your type", and I was like "Yeah". I called the show a few more times in 2006, and started feeling like a celebrity sort of.

In early 2007, I begin posting on the Matt and Huggy forum, and met a few of the people from the forum at the next event...and for the first time in years I was socializing again. I went to a few events, talked to a bunch of different listeners and started seeing a lot of the same people at different events. Eventually I became part of a group that was known as "The Underbelly", a bunch of hardcore Kidd Chris listeners who always went to events. All the while that I'm doing all this socializing and events, I am battling this anxiety inside that is really strong. Every time I make plans to go to an event, I start to feel a little sick, and as the event draws near, I get worse. I start thinking of cancelling and not going, and have to force myself out the day of the event. Most of the time I was able to go, but it was always a struggle. After every event, I would feel depressed. I constantly thought about the things I said and beat myself up whenever I felt dumb about something, and I was depressed a lot because of all the attractive women at those events. I kept at it because I was lonely and wanted to find someone, and years of internet dating sites never worked so, I forced myself to continue socializing.

I mentioned the Kidd Chris show at the beginning, but I was never a caller on that show because he was just too intimidating to talk to on the air. However, he had this end show segment called "Graffiti" where he let callers go on the air for 10-20 seconds saying whatever they wanted, knowing that their call would be dumped if they cursed. It was usually pretty funny, and I called in about once a week and usually got on the air to say a line that I had rehearsed that morning during the show. I put together a compilation of those calls *-->LISTEN: GRAFFITI<--*

One day Matt and Huggy were talking about this guy who emailed the show saying he was 23 and still a virgin, and as they were discussing it on the air, I decided to call and tell them how I was also a virgin at 26. *-->LISTEN: Virgin Call<--* I felt so dumb and awkward after doing it, and even worse when I listened to it again the next day after they uploaded the podcast. I went on the forum and made a thread about it, and everyone that had met me, couldn't understand why. They all said I "looked like a normal guy", and I tried to explain that I am cursed, but I don't think anyone really understood just how much I actually believed that. One of the girls I talked to a lot at the events, said "I would take your virginity if I was single" and I said "I'm gonna remember you said that and point out that post you made if you ever become single". Of course about 2 months later, she broke up with her boyfriend and made a post about it, and I immediately linked her old post into that thread. She responded "haha i remember, sorry but I'm sure you know I wasn't serious", and I was like "yeah I know lol" but in reality I felt rejected and depressed, once again. As the months went on, I continued going to events, struggling with the anxiety and depression, and trying to keep hope alive that I would meet someone (or at least get laid for fuck sake)...and eventually I did...

In September of 2007, Kidd Chris had an event at some restaurant/bar, and once again I had to fight with myself to go. I got there and met up with the usual 'underbelly' people, and I saw a caller I never met before named "Kim the Cougar". I went over to introduced myself, and we ended up sitting and talking for about 2 hours. We talked about weed, how I was still a virgin, and a lot of other pointless things. Eventually we went out to her car and smoked a bowl, and while we were smoking, we exchanged phone numbers. I had a ton of phone numbers from people at these events, so I didn't think anything of it. She left after we finished smoking and I went back into the bar to hang with everyone else. As always, a few of the underbelly listeners rented a hotel room, and we went and hung out there till about 2am, when my phone rang...I looked and it was Kim the Cougar.

I answered and she goes "Hey, want to come to my place tonight?" and I felt this intense rush of joy and excitement and happiness. I was like "Sure" and I got her address, and immediately told the underbelly I was going home, and I left. It was an hour drive to get to her house, and I was experiencing a roller coaster of emotions on the way there. I got there, walked in, took my shoes off in the kitchen and we went and sat on her couch. She pulled out some weed and packed a bowl, as we were chatting and smoking, within just a few minutes, she leaned into me and we started making out. I was in complete shock, I have never had a girl make a move on me or even show any interest in me like she did, and it felt amazing. Here I am, making out with a woman 20 years older then me, who I find very attractive, and pretty much a fantasy come true. I didn't have time to overthink or let doubt sink in, we were hooking up and I felt the most confident. the most comfortable, and the most horny I have ever been in my life. This went on for about 20 minutes, we smoked, and made out, and smoked some more. Eventually I try to put my hand up her shirt, and she stops me, I'm like "Whats up" and she goes "I just want to make out, nothing more" and I'm like "Seriously? I thought you were all about taking my virginity" and I try to rub her inner thigh, and she stops me again, and goes "I know making out is great and it gets the juices flowing, but that's as far we can go" and I look at her completely confused, and I say "but why?" and I will never forget the words she said..."People can't help who they're attracted to"...(her way of saying "I'm not attracted to you")

I felt this horrible numbness rush over my whole body like a wave of water, from my head to my toes, to my fingers. I went from feeling the best emotions I have ever felt, to feeling dead and numb. We made out for another 30 minutes or so, but I was depressed from being rejected and didn't enjoy it. After leaving, I struggled with so many thoughts, like why did this women spend 2 hours talking to me about sex and how I was a virgin, then have me over her house at 3am in the morning, only to reject me? I just spent a year and a half trying to get to that point, dealing with anxiety and stress, and it was all for nothing. I also kept thinking about all the other times I have come close and been rejected, and couldn't help but feel like this hideous cursed monster. Sometimes I really believe some force is following me through life, effecting people around me to make me feel like the world is insane, or...the world really is just insane.

She invited me back a few days later, and it was the same thing over again...we hooked up for an hour but she wouldn't go any further with me. My 3rd time going back, I took my shoes off, and she goes "we can't make out anymore, lets just smoke" and I put my shoes back on and left. After that, she would call me from time to time, and I had to ignore the calls. I saw her at the next event around December 2007, and she was holding hands with a guy her age. She introduced him as her husband. They were separated and living apart, but I guess they still went out together from time to time. I was in a constant state of depression but seeing her with someone still made me feel worse...

Now onto the last story, 'Alexia'...

Alexia (2008) Age 27

*Note* Its best to have read all the other stories leading up to this one, or at the very least, the previous story "Kim the Cougar"...*

I met Alexia in February of 2008 at a Kidd Chris Event. She was a caller who was on the air from time to time, promoting her porn videos, and social media profiles that she had. A few 'Underbelly' people pointed me in her direction and told me who she was. She was sitting with her friend at a table, and I had a little alcohol in me, so I just went right up and started talking to them. I was very attracted to her and always had a fantasy of being with a black girl (I fantasized about every type of woman though, so...). I got her number and called her the next day. We talked for a while, and she was a lot more shy then I expected. We made plans to hang out on the weekend. At this point I should have been excited and happy, but all I felt was nauseous and hopeless. I was certain something was gonna go wrong and it was just gonna be more rejection. I started over thinking and analyzing what we said to each other over the phone, and on top of that, the Kim incident was still fresh on my mind making me feel really sick about getting close to someone else...I felt so hideous, not just because of Kim though, at this point in my life I have known nothing but rejection, so its hard for a man not to feel completely negative about himself.

Friday arrives, and I am feeling so sick, I actually almost cancelled (for me to have a date lined up, and to be thinking of cancelling, is insane to me). After picking her up, we got some food at Wendy's, went to my house and sat on my futon, watched some TV and talked for a while. It was the same futon I sat on talking to Stephanie, and I couldn't stop feeling terrified that I was gonna fall for this girl and end up in the friend zone again. After an hour or so, I told her to come closer and we cuddled up. I should have been happy and comfortable at this point, but nope, I was a complete mess inside my head with my anxiety and past memories bombarding me. We sat close and smoked weed for a while, talking and making out a little bit. We hung out a lot for about 2 weeks, all the while I was trying to get comfortable with the idea of having sex, which was causing me intense anxiety instead of the usual excitement I had always felt before...even with all the crap I went through before meeting Kim, I didn't experience any doubt with her once we started making out. What she did to me, broke me, I can see it clearly these days. After 2 weeks of hanging out, I invited Alexia to stay overnight for the weekend.

I picked her up Friday and it was the usual routine until that evening. We were hooking up, and she asked if we could move to the bedroom, so we did. Here I am, a few weeks before my 27th birthday, and I'm laying in my bed with a girl who actually wants to have sex with me for the first time in my life. I spent years fantasizing and dreaming of this moment, yet all I can feel are negative bullshit emotions. On top of that, I am sweating a little bit (I have head/face hyperhidrosis, which is another one of my curses) and even with the air conditioner blowing on me, I'm still sweating. We both are in our underwear making out and touching each other all over, yet I am limp and numb in my crotch. I couldn't believe this was happening. When she went down on me and couldn't get me hard, she got really upset. I felt this horrible new feeling that I cant even put into words. Just imagine you have someone who you are attracted to and want to be with, who is excited and looking forward to having sex with you, and then suddenly they are upset because you cant go through with it. I made her feel unattractive and ugly when she wasn't, and it made me feel so much regret to do that to her. We tried again the next day and it was the same thing all over...full body numbness. I told her I was just nervous and made excuses, but the truth was I was broken, I just didn't realize it at the time.

After spending the weekend together, we made plans to hang out again the following weekend and I dropped her off back at her home. I don't know why she wanted to see me again after experiencing something so horrible. That following week, I had to force myself to go to work with this extreme suicidal depression suffocating me. We hung out again, and I was feeling all kinds of horrible emotions as we watched TV. Later that night we went into my bedroom and I was actually able to get it up, and we "had sex" for about 20 minutes, but I was fighting back that numb feeling the whole time, and couldn't enjoy it at all. On top of that, I wasn't able to finish, and ended up faking an orgasm into my bed blanket. After, she was happy and didn't look sad anymore, so that was a big relief to me. The next day, we were able to "have sex' again, with the same result...I didn't enjoy it because I was all fucked up in my mind, and I had to fake an orgasm again. I was still relieved that I could make her happy, but at the same time I was in hell. After the weekend, I went online and bragged to the 'Underbelly' that I finally lost my virginity. The next day I was listening to The Kidd Chris Show, and I hear him say "One of our listeners lost his virginity to a porn star this past weekend. A guy named Angry E"...I said to myself "ugh, why did I say anything, I'm so dumb."

I received a call that day from the show, they asked if they could call me the next day and have me on the air to talk about it. I'm the type of person that can't say no to people (its another of many curses I have), so I agreed and immediately regretted it. I had been on the air many times with 'The Barsky Show" and "The Matt and Huggy Show", so I was well aware how awkward I was as a caller. I would call with something to say, but once I got on the air I got nervous and would have trouble getting my point across sometimes. On top of that, I was terrified of being on The Kidd Chris Show, and I never called into the show for the 2 years that it was on (aside from graffiti segments). I was about to go on and talk about how I lost my virginity, even though I didn't even feel like I had. I was extremely depressed and suicidal, and now I had to go on the air and talk about how happy I was, ugh...I really got myself into a horrible situation.

So, they have Alexia on the air on Monday, and then I did my call on Tuesday. You can listen to my call -->**HERE**<--. I was depressed, and nervous as hell and ended up sounding a little cocky. I rehearsed the opening line I said "Yeah, on my way to level 10". It was a thing with the underbelly to earn points and level up by being on the air, but other then that, I didn't know what I was gonna say...I figured they were gonna have some racial jokes, so I tried to brace myself for that, and I think I handled it well. The following weekend we hung out again but I wasn't able to get it up, and I watched her go from being happy to being sad. I spent the next few weeks trying and failing and getting more depressed, until finally it worked again and we "had sex" for a 3rd time...Only this time, after pulling out and faking the orgasm into the blanket, she insisted on seeing, and she said "Well where is it" and I just said "I duno" and she broke down crying and left the room. I guess she had been suspicious, and that moment she was able to confirm that I was faking it the whole time.

That was about 2 months into our relationship, and we never tried to have sex again after that, but we stayed together for another 6 months, even though all we did was fight and argue and make each other miserable. We finally decided to break up in late 2008...I felt a huge amount of weight lift off of me when we broke up, and I stopped feeling depressed and suicidal. In early 2009, I tried one last time to get with a girl that I had met online. She was shy and sweet and cute and I tried to have sex with her and couldn't...after failing with her, I decided I was never gonna try again. I can't even imagine how it made her feel, but I felt a ton of guilt and regret for doing that to her. Its been over 10 years since I have made any kind of attempt to be with anyone, and I never want to try again because I know I will never be comfortable enough to ever have sex. The thought of kissing alone makes me nauseous and uncomfortable. I feel gross and disgusting and don't want anyone anywhere near me.

Final Thoughts

When I started writing "The Female Nightmare" 6 months ago, I was feeling really empty and lonely and desperate for someone to be with. I brainstormed and remember as much as I could (and I had some old writings to work from as well), and put together these 14 stories. Now that I have relived the nightmare and reminded myself why I gave up 10 years ago, I feel content again, even if its only to avoid more suffering. Its like a fire...its as if I forgot that it burns, and I saw it and couldn't resist touching it to see what it feels like. Now that I remember that it burns, I don't feel the need to reach out for it anymore. All those years of being treated like that, showed me the cold reality of human beings. If a person is not attracted to you, then they don't have any empathy for you, and thus they are much more willing to use and/or abuse that person because there is no guilt on their end. Being treated like that for all those years did something to my subconscious, and I started seeing this hideous ugly deformed freak every time I looked in the mirror. I can't stand looking at people or talking to people, and I hate the thought of someone seeing my face, especially women. I don't want to see that look of disgust that I have seen so many times...