**Note: This one is going to be about everything leading up to Kim, as well as what happened between us**
Intense pain and regret forced me to make a change in my life in mid 2006. I was desperate for a distraction, and some people to talk to, so I decided I was going to go out and be social. I didn't do much socializing outside of work, and now I needed to find a way to meet people...luckily, 94 WYSP had just recently switched from a rock music station, to an all talk format. They had The Barsky Show, Matt and Huggy, and Kidd Chris...among others. I worked as a driver for a big auto parts warehouse, so I enjoyed listening to all of the shows while on the road for 7 hours a day. Eventually I worked up the nerve to call the Barsky show and ask for a handout...I talked to the call screener, gave him my first name, and told him I want to ask Barsky for a hookup with laser hair removal since I heard the ad a lot on his show. They took my call over the air, and I explained how I had my heart broken and wanted hair removal. They couldn't give me such an expensive thing, so they offered to have me come into the studio and Kim (co-host of the show) would wax my back. I said something like "I'm up for a little pain" and they had the screener take my info to set up a time, but I never ended up doing it. I called the Barsky show a bunch of times over the next few months, and started using the name "Angry E".
Matt and Huggy started doing a talk show following The Barsky show, and I was hooked instantly. I grew up listening to them in the 90s with their late night show called "Rockers" where they played types of heavy metal that wasn't normally played on rock stations. I used my radio persona "Angry E" on their show as well, and I called in a lot. Their first event was at a Gamestop in NJ and I decided to go and meet them and other listeners. I left work early to drive over there and parked and walked into the store. I saw Matt and Huggy and shook their hands and could feel my cheek and neck muscles twitching, something that happens when I get nervous, I tremble and shake and have muscle spasms at random around my face and neck and shoulders. I asked the store employee if I could use the bathroom and he sent me to the furniture store next door. After taking a minute to calm down, I went back over to Gamestop and was relaxed and played some demos and talked to the hosts and other listeners. Shortly before I left, this girl caller shows up, she was skinny with dark hair and all I could think about was Steph when I saw her. She had been on the air talking about how she had sex on a Camaro and other such things, so it just depressed me to see her because of my nightmarish history with women. I left the event feeling lonely and empty, but I cheered up on the ride home because I was looking forward to calling into the show the next day, which I did, and I even mentioned seeing that girl at the store. I made a comment that she had stunning eyes, and they were like "Oh is that your type", and I was like "Yeah". I called the show a few more times in 2006, and started feeling like a celebrity sort of.
In early 2007, I begin posting on the Matt and Huggy forum, and met a few of the people from the forum at the next event...and for the first time in years I was socializing again. I went to a few events, talked to a bunch of different listeners and started seeing a lot of the same people at different events. Eventually I became part of a group that was known as "The Underbelly", a bunch of hardcore Kidd Chris listeners who always went to events. All the while that I'm doing all this socializing and events, I am battling this anxiety inside that is really strong. Every time I make plans to go to an event, I start to feel a little sick, and as the event draws near, I get worse. I start thinking of cancelling and not going, and have to force myself out the day of the event. Most of the time I was able to go, but it was always a struggle. After every event, I would feel depressed. I constantly thought about the things I said and beat myself up whenever I felt dumb about something, and I was depressed a lot because of all the attractive women at those events. I kept at it because I was lonely and wanted to find someone, and years of internet dating sites never worked so, I forced myself to continue socializing.
I mentioned the Kidd Chris show at the beginning, but I was never a caller on that show because he was just too intimidating to talk to on the air. However, he had this end show segment called "Graffiti" where he let callers go on the air for 10-20 seconds saying whatever they wanted, knowing that their call would be dumped if they cursed. It was usually pretty funny, and I called in about once a week and usually got on the air to say a line that I had rehearsed that morning during the show. I put together a compilation of those calls *-->LISTEN: GRAFFITI<--*
One day Matt and Huggy were talking about this guy who emailed the show saying he was 23 and still a virgin, and as they were discussing it on the air, I decided to call and tell them how I was also a virgin at 26. *-->LISTEN: Virgin Call<--* I felt so dumb and awkward after doing it, and even worse when I listened to it again the next day after they uploaded the podcast. I went on the forum and made a thread about it, and everyone that had met me, couldn't understand why. They all said I "looked like a normal guy", and I tried to explain that I am cursed, but I don't think anyone really understood just how much I actually believed that. One of the girls I talked to a lot at the events, said "I would take your virginity if I was single" and I said "I'm gonna remember you said that and point out that post you made if you ever become single". Of course about 2 months later, she broke up with her boyfriend and made a post about it, and I immediately linked her old post into that thread. She responded "haha i remember, sorry but I'm sure you know I wasn't serious", and I was like "yeah I know lol" but in reality I felt rejected and depressed, once again. As the months went on, I continued going to events, struggling with the anxiety and depression, and trying to keep hope alive that I would meet someone (or at least get laid for fuck sake)...and eventually I did...
In September of 2007, Kidd Chris had an event at some restaurant/bar, and once again I had to fight with myself to go. I got there and met up with the usual 'underbelly' people, and I saw a caller I never met before named "Kim the Cougar". I went over to introduced myself, and we ended up sitting and talking for about 2 hours. We talked about weed, how I was still a virgin, and a lot of other pointless things. Eventually we went out to her car and smoked a bowl, and while we were smoking, we exchanged phone numbers. I had a ton of phone numbers from people at these events, so I didn't think anything of it. She left after we finished smoking and I went back into the bar to hang with everyone else. As always, a few of the underbelly listeners rented a hotel room, and we went and hung out there till about 2am, when my phone rang...I looked and it was Kim the Cougar.
I answered and she goes "Hey, want to come to my place tonight?" and I felt this intense rush of joy and excitement and happiness. I was like "Sure" and I got her address, and immediately told the underbelly I was going home, and I left. It was an hour drive to get to her house, and I was experiencing a roller coaster of emotions on the way there. I got there, walked in, took my shoes off in the kitchen and we went and sat on her couch. She pulled out some weed and packed a bowl, as we were chatting and smoking, within just a few minutes, she leaned into me and we started making out. I was in complete shock, I have never had a girl make a move on me or even show any interest in me like she did, and it felt amazing. Here I am, making out with a woman 20 years older then me, who I find very attractive, and pretty much a fantasy come true. I didn't have time to overthink or let doubt sink in, we were hooking up and I felt the most confident. the most comfortable, and the most horny I have ever been in my life. This went on for about 20 minutes, we smoked, and made out, and smoked some more. Eventually I try to put my hand up her shirt, and she stops me, I'm like "Whats up" and she goes "I just want to make out, nothing more" and I'm like "Seriously? I thought you were all about taking my virginity" and I try to rub her inner thigh, and she stops me again, and goes "I know making out is great and it gets the juices flowing, but that's as far we can go" and I look at her completely confused, and I say "but why?" and I will never forget the words she said..."People can't help who they're attracted to"...(her way of saying "I'm not attracted to you")
I felt this horrible numbness rush over my whole body like a wave of water, from my head to my toes, to my fingers. I went from feeling the best emotions I have ever felt, to feeling dead and numb. We made out for another 30 minutes or so, but I was depressed from being rejected and didn't enjoy it. After leaving, I struggled with so many thoughts, like why did this women spend 2 hours talking to me about sex and how I was a virgin, then have me over her house at 3am in the morning, only to reject me? I just spent a year and a half trying to get to that point, dealing with anxiety and stress, and it was all for nothing. I also kept thinking about all the other times I have come close and been rejected, and couldn't help but feel like this hideous cursed monster. Sometimes I really believe some force is following me through life, effecting people around me to make me feel like the world is insane, or...the world really is just insane.
She invited me back a few days later, and it was the same thing over again...we hooked up for an hour but she wouldn't go any further with me. My 3rd time going back, I took my shoes off, and she goes "we can't make out anymore, lets just smoke" and I put my shoes back on and left. After that, she would call me from time to time, and I had to ignore the calls. I saw her at the next event around December 2007, and she was holding hands with a guy her age. She introduced him as her husband. They were separated and living apart, but I guess they still went out together from time to time. I was in a constant state of depression but seeing her with someone still made me feel worse...
Now onto the last story, 'Alexia'...
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