Today is my 40th birthday, and I am sitting here feeling intense anxiety. Last Sunday I had a panic attack while working and my mind has been in a foggy haze for 6 days straight. I called out of work this week, and I am even considering quitting because of how bad I'm feeling day to day. I'm having trouble sleeping and relaxing and the thought of working while in this hazy fatigue, scares the hell out of me. Honestly, the last thing on my mind is the fact that I am still a Virgin.
My biggest issue, which started way back in my early teens because of constant bullying, is the fear of leaving my house and interacting with people, also know as Agoraphobia. I have been dealing with it for 30+ years, and it has only gotten much harder in recent years. A few years ago I had a nice 3 year window where I was in heaven. I had enough money that I didn't have to work, and I experienced happiness I never knew was possible. I had zero stress, anxiety, and depression. I didn't leave my house for almost 3 years...Then all of a sudden that money was gone, and I was thrown back into the nightmare that I thought I had escaped. Only now, everything is 10x worse then it was before because all I can think about every day, is getting back to that amazing dream.
So yes, I am 40 years old, and I have never had sex. I have tried a few times, even managed to get started once or twice, but every time, my body betrays me. I get hit with this rush of Anxiety that numbs my whole body from head to toe as soon as I realize I am about to have sex. It is one of the most horrible feelings imaginable, because I'm not just hurting myself, but someone that I care about as well. I tried medication, but my problem isn't physical, its mental, and nothing has worked, so I stopped trying 12 years ago because I got tired of hurting myself and my girlfriends. I haven't dated or anything since 2009. I will be going into detail about how I got this way, so keep reading if you want...
