I only knew her for a few short months, but to me, Stephanie was the nicest, kindest, most beautiful woman I had ever met. She was short, with long dark hair, and stunning hypnotizing eyes. She had this amazing confidence and upbeat personality that I wasn't use to. I met her through my friend Brandon (same friend from the Lauren story), but she had a boyfriend when we first started hanging out, so I didn't have any thoughts or feelings for her, at first. At this point in life, I'm 25 and still a Virgin, with years of heartache and head games all lingering in my mind. We hung out a few times without me getting stupid like I usually do over women. Through most of my life, any women who talked to me and give me just a little bit of attention, I would find myself thinking about them and always convincing myself they liked me because they gave me some attention. I was able to hang out with Steph for about 2 weeks without driving myself crazy thinking about her after she went home, that is, until she broke up with her boyfriend. The moment she told me she was single, I instantly realized I was in love with her.
We started hanging out all the time, chilling in my room, sitting on my futon, playing games, smoking weed and talking. We would sit and stare into each others eyes and just talk about everything and anything. When we weren't talking, we were playing video games. She mentioned that she loves Mario Kart, and so I dug out my N64 and hooked it up and we started playing. She says "Ew this isn't the game I like" and I'm like "What system was it on?" and she said "Gamecube". We still played a few rounds, and I remember getting to the finish line and stopping, waiting for her so I could finish just before she did. I ended up losing because I waited a little too long, and she accused me of letting her win and I swore I didn't, and we both laughed about it. Every time we hung out, I wanted to tell her how I felt, I wanted to put my arms around her, but I was so broken by this point in my life, my confidence had been beaten down to negative 9000, and I just felt hideous. I was also pretty sure she wasn't interested in me. Once we hung out at Brandon's apartment, and I sat on a couch with an empty seat next to me, and she sat down on a different couch, so I took that as a sign she wasn't trying to be near me, therefor had no feelings for me (yeah, I am a pathetic over analyzer). As we hung out at the apartment, I noticed she stared into everybody's eyes when she talked to someone, the same way she stared into mine when we hung out at my house, so that also convinced me she wasn't into me, and just made it much harder to feel any confidence around her.
I started talking to my friend Jim (same guy from the Karen & Cheryl story) on the phone about her, since he didn't know her like Brandon did, I felt more comfortable talking to him. I told him how I was in love with this girl, and I couldn't work up the nerve to tell her. He would try to convince me to tell her, and I would say "I can't"...this went on for weeks and weeks. One day me and Steph decide to go to my friend Mikes house, but on the way, we stopped a park. We sat on this big square rock facing each other and talking. It was night time, and there was a light above us so the area was lit up around us, but it was pitch black just outside the circle of light we were under. I decided I was gonna reach out and grab her hand, and whatever happens, happens. She says "I'm a little cold" and I'm about to reach for her hand and say something like "I can keep you warm", when we are suddenly both startled by footsteps on the rocks, and this guy walks into the lit up area, from the parks entrance/exit (which was pitch black). He just walks past us and doesn't say a word, and immediately after that, a car pulls in and its some female security person, and she tells us to leave because the park is closed. I was devastated, I finally felt confident enough to say something, and it was the perfect time, but the Universe blocked me. We then went to Mikes, smoked a little weed, watched an episode of some Anime series, and she dropped me off at my place and went home.
A few days later I was on Myspace looking at my comments, and Jim had asked me if I wanted to go to a concert with him, he said something like "I don't want to sit there alone", and there was a reply, from Stephanie, and my heart sunk, and my body went numb. She said "If I saw someone sitting alone, I would go up and sit with them"...Both comments were a few days old, so I immediately jumped onto her profile, and Jims, to see if they were talking to each other, but there weren't so I was extremely relieved. Me and Steph hung out again the following week, and this time, we went to met up with Brandon at some studio he was helping to fix up. We got there, and a couple people were sweeping and cleaning up the place, along with Brandon. He stopped and came over to talk to us for a little while, then he attempted to hand us brooms and me and Steph were like "Uh no, were leaving"...dude seriously tried to use "hanging out" as a trap to make us help him clean lol. We got back to my place and talked for a little bit, and she started to pack her weed and bowl away, and I was like "You leaving already?" and she was like "Yeah I gotta get to Jims"...
............
...so needless to say, my heart crack in half. I said "you know Jim?" and she says "Yeah I spent the night there a few days ago"...and then my heart completely shattered. I felt this numbness from head to toe, the same numbness I have felt so many times, only much much worse. I remember her asking if he was cool and I said "yeah hes a good guy" just because I was trying so hard not to show how much pain I was in. In reality he wasn't a good guy, he slept with 4-5 different women every week for years and years, I estimated that he had sex with somewhere around 3000 women in total at that point in 2006. On top of that, he spent a lot of time on the phone talking with me about her, and then turns around and has sex with her. After she left, I was nauseous and threw up for probably 2 hours, all while crying and punching things. It was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. This guy is my friend for years, and he has had all these women, while I have had ZERO. NO ONE. He couldn't just leave 1 alone, he just has to fuck every single women on the planet and still be an ungrateful waste of life. I immediately removed him from my friends on Myspace, and never spoke to him again. Unfortunately, I had to hear about him from Steph for a few days, because he was a dick to her. Soon after that, she moved to Florida. We talked on AIM for a little while after she moved, and of course I was
able to tell her then that I was in love with her when I'm behind a
keyboard and shes 1000 miles away...I followed with "Sorry, I'm
pathetic", and she said "No your not". I don't think we ever spoke again
after that conversation.
If I hadn't experienced so many mind games from women in the past, I probably wouldn't have been so insecure and stressed about my feelings for her. Regret is the worst of them all, and my biggest and only real regret in life was not being able to tell her how I felt before she moved back to Florida. All that time we hung out, I just couldn't get myself to say anything that I wanted to say. I'm pretty sure she wasn't interested in being more then friends, but if I had told her right away, I could have saved myself from a lot of pain. Its been 13 years, and I still think about her all the time. I never felt that way about anyone, not before meeting her, and not since. Whenever I see a woman with long dark hair, I'm reminded of her...and of Jim, the most selfish, greedy, piece of shit, back stabbing friend I ever had.
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