Alexia (2008) Age 27

*Note* Its best to have read all the other stories leading up to this one, or at the very least, the previous story "Kim the Cougar"...*

I met Alexia in February of 2008 at a Kidd Chris Event. She was a caller who was on the air from time to time, promoting her porn videos, and social media profiles that she had. A few 'Underbelly' people pointed me in her direction and told me who she was. She was sitting with her friend at a table, and I had a little alcohol in me, so I just went right up and started talking to them. I was very attracted to her and always had a fantasy of being with a black girl (I fantasized about every type of woman though, so...). I got her number and called her the next day. We talked for a while, and she was a lot more shy then I expected. We made plans to hang out on the weekend. At this point I should have been excited and happy, but all I felt was nauseous and hopeless. I was certain something was gonna go wrong and it was just gonna be more rejection. I started over thinking and analyzing what we said to each other over the phone, and on top of that, the Kim incident was still fresh on my mind making me feel really sick about getting close to someone else...I felt so hideous, not just because of Kim though, at this point in my life I have known nothing but rejection, so its hard for a man not to feel completely negative about himself.

Friday arrives, and I am feeling so sick, I actually almost cancelled (for me to have a date lined up, and to be thinking of cancelling, is insane to me). After picking her up, we got some food at Wendy's, went to my house and sat on my futon, watched some TV and talked for a while. It was the same futon I sat on talking to Stephanie, and I couldn't stop feeling terrified that I was gonna fall for this girl and end up in the friend zone again. After an hour or so, I told her to come closer and we cuddled up. I should have been happy and comfortable at this point, but nope, I was a complete mess inside my head with my anxiety and past memories bombarding me. We sat close and smoked weed for a while, talking and making out a little bit. We hung out a lot for about 2 weeks, all the while I was trying to get comfortable with the idea of having sex, which was causing me intense anxiety instead of the usual excitement I had always felt before...even with all the crap I went through before meeting Kim, I didn't experience any doubt with her once we started making out. What she did to me, broke me, I can see it clearly these days. After 2 weeks of hanging out, I invited Alexia to stay overnight for the weekend.

I picked her up Friday and it was the usual routine until that evening. We were hooking up, and she asked if we could move to the bedroom, so we did. Here I am, a few weeks before my 27th birthday, and I'm laying in my bed with a girl who actually wants to have sex with me for the first time in my life. I spent years fantasizing and dreaming of this moment, yet all I can feel are negative bullshit emotions. On top of that, I am sweating a little bit (I have head/face hyperhidrosis, which is another one of my curses) and even with the air conditioner blowing on me, I'm still sweating. We both are in our underwear making out and touching each other all over, yet I am limp and numb in my crotch. I couldn't believe this was happening. When she went down on me and couldn't get me hard, she got really upset. I felt this horrible new feeling that I cant even put into words. Just imagine you have someone who you are attracted to and want to be with, who is excited and looking forward to having sex with you, and then suddenly they are upset because you cant go through with it. I made her feel unattractive and ugly when she wasn't, and it made me feel so much regret to do that to her. We tried again the next day and it was the same thing all over...full body numbness. I told her I was just nervous and made excuses, but the truth was I was broken, I just didn't realize it at the time.

After spending the weekend together, we made plans to hang out again the following weekend and I dropped her off back at her home. I don't know why she wanted to see me again after experiencing something so horrible. That following week, I had to force myself to go to work with this extreme suicidal depression suffocating me. We hung out again, and I was feeling all kinds of horrible emotions as we watched TV. Later that night we went into my bedroom and I was actually able to get it up, and we "had sex" for about 20 minutes, but I was fighting back that numb feeling the whole time, and couldn't enjoy it at all. On top of that, I wasn't able to finish, and ended up faking an orgasm into my bed blanket. After, she was happy and didn't look sad anymore, so that was a big relief to me. The next day, we were able to "have sex' again, with the same result...I didn't enjoy it because I was all fucked up in my mind, and I had to fake an orgasm again. I was still relieved that I could make her happy, but at the same time I was in hell. After the weekend, I went online and bragged to the 'Underbelly' that I finally lost my virginity. The next day I was listening to The Kidd Chris Show, and I hear him say "One of our listeners lost his virginity to a porn star this past weekend. A guy named Angry E"...I said to myself "ugh, why did I say anything, I'm so dumb."

I received a call that day from the show, they asked if they could call me the next day and have me on the air to talk about it. I'm the type of person that can't say no to people (its another of many curses I have), so I agreed and immediately regretted it. I had been on the air many times with 'The Barsky Show" and "The Matt and Huggy Show", so I was well aware how awkward I was as a caller. I would call with something to say, but once I got on the air I got nervous and would have trouble getting my point across sometimes. On top of that, I was terrified of being on The Kidd Chris Show, and I never called into the show for the 2 years that it was on (aside from graffiti segments). I was about to go on and talk about how I lost my virginity, even though I didn't even feel like I had. I was extremely depressed and suicidal, and now I had to go on the air and talk about how happy I was, ugh...I really got myself into a horrible situation.

So, they have Alexia on the air on Monday, and then I did my call on Tuesday. You can listen to my call -->**HERE**<--. I was depressed, and nervous as hell and ended up sounding a little cocky. I rehearsed the opening line I said "Yeah, on my way to level 10". It was a thing with the underbelly to earn points and level up by being on the air, but other then that, I didn't know what I was gonna say...I figured they were gonna have some racial jokes, so I tried to brace myself for that, and I think I handled it well. The following weekend we hung out again but I wasn't able to get it up, and I watched her go from being happy to being sad. I spent the next few weeks trying and failing and getting more depressed, until finally it worked again and we "had sex" for a 3rd time...Only this time, after pulling out and faking the orgasm into the blanket, she insisted on seeing, and she said "Well where is it" and I just said "I duno" and she broke down crying and left the room. I guess she had been suspicious, and that moment she was able to confirm that I was faking it the whole time.

That was about 2 months into our relationship, and we never tried to have sex again after that, but we stayed together for another 6 months, even though all we did was fight and argue and make each other miserable. We finally decided to break up in late 2008...I felt a huge amount of weight lift off of me when we broke up, and I stopped feeling depressed and suicidal. In early 2009, I tried one last time to get with a girl that I had met online. She was shy and sweet and cute and I tried to have sex with her and couldn't...after failing with her, I decided I was never gonna try again. I can't even imagine how it made her feel, but I felt a ton of guilt and regret for doing that to her. Its been over 10 years since I have made any kind of attempt to be with anyone, and I never want to try again because I know I will never be comfortable enough to ever have sex. The thought of kissing alone makes me nauseous and uncomfortable. I feel gross and disgusting and don't want anyone anywhere near me.