Virgin At 40

    Today is my 40th birthday, and all I can think about is the fact that I am still a Virgin. My biggest issue, which started way back in my early teens because of constant bullying, is the fear of leaving my house and interacting with people, also know as Agoraphobia. I have been dealing with it for 30+ years, and it has only gotten much harder in recent years. A few years ago I had a nice 3 year window where I was in heaven. I had enough money that I didn't have to work, and I experienced happiness I never knew was possible. I had zero stress, anxiety, and depression. I didn't leave my house for almost 3 years...Then all of a sudden that money was gone, and I was thrown back into the nightmare that I thought I had escaped. Only now, everything is 10x worse then it was before because all I can think about every day, is getting back to that amazing dream.

    So yes, I am 40 years old, and I have never had sex. I have tried a few times, even managed to get started once or twice, but every time, my body betrays me. I get hit with this rush of Anxiety that numbs my whole body from head to toe as soon as I realize I am about to have sex. It is one of the most horrible feelings imaginable, because I'm not just hurting myself, but someone that I care about as well. I tried medication, but my problem isn't physical, its mental, and nothing has worked, so I stopped trying 16 years ago because I got tired of hurting myself and my girlfriends. I haven't dated or anything since 2009. I will be going into detail about how I got this way, so keep reading if you want...

Abby (1993/1994) Age 12-13

Around the age of 12, during the 1993/1994 school year when I was in 7th grade, I met this girl Abby. We quickly became friends and started hanging out almost every day. Soon into the friendship she started flirting with me a lot, and always used this one line that messed with my head. "I'll give you sex" she would say. Being a shy guy and never getting much attention from girls, I was really excited every time she said it. I would think about when and where, I would walk up to her and try to put my arms around her and she would giggle and move away. I would be on the phone, and try and talk her into coming to my house when my parents weren't home, but she never did because she always had an excuse...it got the point where she would call me and ask me to hang out, and tell me she was gonna "give me sex". I lived a short bike ride distance from her, and if she ever wanted company or wanted a favor, she would sometimes throw in "I'll give you sex" to get me to do something. I started  having strong feelings for this girl, even though I was confused, I still believed she liked me. One day I was hanging out and another guy showed up...we all chilled for a little bit and then they started to kiss in front of me, and he put his hands up her shirt then they went into the house and left me outside. I waited about 10-15 minutes, and while sitting there, all I could think about was what they were doing inside, and it hurt like hell. I spent weeks picturing myself doing those things with her, and now I couldn't get those pictures of them out of my head...After some intense pain, I gathered myself and rode my bike home...Never spoke to her again after that...its been 26 years and I still think about the "why" of that situation. I don't think I will ever understand why anyone can do something like that to someone else. If she wasn't into me, why pretend and put me through that for all those months? Why did my first encounter with a crush have to be so painful?

Stephanie 1 (1994/1995) Age 13-14

She was dating another friend of mine at the time, and was part of a pretty big circle of friends I had. Well they broke up and me and Stephanie became good friends. I had a little bit of a crush on her, but kept it to myself. Just didn't want to bother with it, we were both single and friends and I was happy with things that way. We hung out a lot and went through a lot together, after about a year of hanging out and getting close, she met this guy, and stopped talking to me. One day I got a hold of her, and asked her what was up, and she told me her boyfriend didn't want her talking to me. I guess she must have spoke of me too much or maybe he just told her not to talk to any guys. I lost a friend and went through a pretty hard depression, all because some guy thought he owned her. I never spoke to her again, I think she moved at some point. The worst part is, that guy ended up being one of my brothers friends years later, and every time I saw him I felt sick.

Andrea (1995) Age 14

She was a skater girl that lived in my neighborhood. She had a half pipe (skate ramp) in her back yard so I was over there a lot hanging out. I eventually asked her out and she said yes. She would come over and we would play games, ESPN Xtreme games on PS1 had just released, and we played that a lot. On the 3rd day, I walked her home, and for that 10 minute walk I was trying to work up the nerve to kiss her. When we got to her house, I said bye and leaned in to kiss her, and she put her hands out and pushed on my chest and stopped me, and said "my parents might see"...which wasn't possible because there were bushes blocking, but ok I assumed she was just nervous so I told her I would see her tomorrow and went home. The bike ride home I felt amazing and confident, and I knew I wouldn't be nervous the next time I tried to kiss her. The next day my friend Paul came up to me when I was in line to get pizza at the Mall. He goes "Hey, Andrea sent me to tell you she just wants to be friends" and I was like "Yeah ok, sure" and acted like I was ok with that, but I was heart broken. I stopped hanging out at her house and lost contact with her soon after.

Jennifer (1997) Age 16

I had a crush on Jen for many years up to this point. We had a few classes together over the years (when lower grades mixed in stuff like art class, because she was a grade or 2 below me), and I just felt this intense attraction to her every time I saw her. I worked up the nerve one day to call her and tell her I had a crush on her. We spoke on the phone many times over a period of 2 weeks or so. I was also in a class with her cousin, which I didn't even know until she mentioned that her cousin Jen was talking to a secret crush on the phone. I told her I was the guy, and asked her to describe me to Jen. So for 2 weeks I'm talking to Jen on the phone, and talking to her cousin in class. It was feeling like I might actually have a girlfriend soon. I kept trying to get Jen to meet up with me somewhere so we can talk in person, but she wouldn't. One day I was at Regal Cinemas seeing a movie, and me and my friend were leaving and I saw Jen with a bunch of people, heading into the theater. I said 'hey' to her, and she said 'Hi' in a really cute friendly way and smiled at me. I couldn't work up the nerve to say who I was because she was with a lot of other guys and I was scared they would attack me verbally or physically. Later that night I talked to her on the phone, and I was like "Hey we met today" and she was like "Oh really? when?" and I said "At the movie theaters, i was the guy in the black/red hoodie who said hi to you." and then I go "You looked so hot" and she goes "ew" *click*, hangs up on me. My heart broke, I called her right back but she picked up and hung up right away. I felt this intense hatred for myself. I spent a few days beating myself up thinking "why did i say that?" "why am I so stupid?", and after a few days I started to wonder if that was the reason she hung up. Maybe she remembered what I looked like, i mean we made eye contact and said hi to each other, I'm pretty sure that was fresh in her mind from just a few hours before the call. I'll never know the reason, but either way I hated myself for a long time after that...

Amanda (1998) Age 17

Amanda was a girl I knew for years, but didn't know her well. Her parents owned a junk/scrap yard and lived in a house connected to it. I hung out in the woods behind her house a lot (there was a little zip-line we used), and I would see her from time to time. She shows up at my house one day in the summer, with another friend of mine. We hung out for a while playing games and listening to music. Later in the evening my friend went home, and Amanda asked if she could stay the night because she was fighting with her parents at home. I asked my dad if she could crash the night, and he said no. I spent like 2 hours arguing with my dad trying to talk him into letting her stay. In between arguments, I sat with her on the couch, and she leaned into me and I put my arm around her. She went out front for a cigarette and I went out with her. I leaned against the wall and pulled her over to me and put my arm around her waist as she leaned back against me. She began pushing/rubbing her ass against my crotch gently and I thought we were gonna hook up for sure, maybe even more. The problem was my dad, who pretty much said bluntly "Shes not sleeping here so that you 2 can have sex". LMAO, this asshole is gonna ignore me my whole life, then sudden wants to prevent me from finally experiencing happiness? I was 17 for fuck sake, I have been empty and alone up to this point, and did he have even the slightest clue? NO. And every single person I knew had already had sex...

Anyway...I finally convinced him to let her stay, but he said I wasn't allowed in the room with her. I waited till he went to bed and I went downstairs where she was, but the light was out and it was hard to see. I crept over to the bed, assuming she was waiting for me, and touched her shoulder and was like "Hey, wanna do anything" and she was like "Do what?" and I just said bluntly "Sex"...and she goes "UH NO I'm trying to sleep what the hell" and acted like it was this unexpected thing like I was a pervert or something. I went back upstairs and just felt sick. The morning came and I woke her up and told her I had taken some pills the night before and couldn't remember much about last night (a really lame excuse yeah, but why did I even need one? she was the jerk, not me). She left and I was afraid she would tell people and get me beat up, but that never happened thankfully. Don't think I ever saw her again after that either.

Lost Love (2000/2001) Age 19-20

**Note: I wrote this in 2001, so it might have a different tone then most of the other stories in this blog.**

   It was July of 2000, on a Sunday. I just got done 2 huge concerts one day after the other and i was too tired to do anything. Not only that, i was shot down by a girl i liked the day before trying to ask her out, so i was a bit down about that. I was invited to come watch band practice at a friends house and for some reason, i decided to go. I met 2 girls iv never seen before, and we all just watched my friends band practice, then we went hanging out around the area at Mcdonalds and a few other places. We all just kinda talked as a group, not really any one to one conversations going. I got home and went online and got an message from one of the girls, me and her talked online for a while, then i asked if she felt like talking on the phone, she did. We talked on the phone for about 3 hours, we had a lot in common, and she was like me in a lot of ways.. After talking for a while, we made plans to hang out the next day. I picked her up at work and we came back to my house, i showed her around and we talked a bit. I liked her a lot, and i wanted to let her know, but wasn't sure what i should do, and i wasn't sure if she liked me. We went to a park and sat next to each other on a set of steps, we talked for a little and i just put my arm around her. She grabbed my hand and i realized this was actually happening. That night i dropped her off and asked her if she wanted to go out with me, and she said yes.

    That would be Kristy. For the first week or so, she had trouble looking at me. She said she just needed time to get use to me, i didn't mind. We hung out a bunch and we started to get more comfortable with each other. We got to know a lot about one another, we shared our problems, talked about our hopes, dreams and fears. We always held each other close and each moment i was with her was the best feeling i had ever had in my life. Every new day just seemed to get better and better, i no longer felt alone, i no longer felt depressed all the time, and my self esteem was finally anything-but-zero.

    As with all relationships, there are always negatives. One thing with her was she was always frustrated at something, usually her family. When i would pick her up at her house, she would get in my car and slam the door, i ask her whats wrong and she would just pout and say "nothing". It got really repetitive and annoying (only sometimes) but i figured it would change eventually, so i never brought it up because she would just get upset if i did. Whenever she seemed upset or down i tried my hardest to cheer her up, if i had plans and she called me up crying that her dad was being an asshole, i would drop my plans and go over to pick her up. All i wanted was to make her happy and i achieved that for the most part.

    Another big negative was her smoking habit, she smoked quite a lot and i hated it. I asked her to quite one day and really got into the idea. I started by telling her to smoke 1 less Cig a day after each new week, she agreed to the idea and it got down to 1 cig a day and she just said she would stop after that week. She was mad about it and claimed i forced her to do it, but i just couldn't stand watching her smoke, it literally hurt me to see that because i cared about her so much. One day we were talking and she suddenly got a bit quiet, i asked her whats wrong and once again i got "nothing"...when i wouldn't stop asking, she got upset and said i was gonna hate her. After a few minutes of her not telling me what was wrong, i said i already knew anyway, and told her i smelled smoke on her breath earlier (this was almost 2 months after she quite). She got really upset and kept saying she was sorry, and it hurt like hell that she was doing it behind my back, but i didn't tell her that, she was already upset enough, and i didn't want her feeling worse that she made me upset...About 2 weeks later i said lets start over, and we did the whole thing over, she quite and then i found out again she was doing it behind my back. She refused to try a 3rd time.

    We both started to get frustrated at each other. She called me at bad times a lot and i would get frustrated and tell her to call back later or i would tell her "i will call later"...but i forgot sometimes. One day when we were hanging at my house she told me she wanted to take time off, she didn't know when or for how long. I said lets start tomorrow and make it 2 weeks, with minimum phone calls...she was upset but agreed to it. When the 2 weeks were finally up, we went to a movie with some of her friends. After the movie she was chatting with them and i was just leaning against a poll, when we were walking back to my car she asked me why i didn't talk at all, i said i didn't know and she called me shady. I tossed my soda bottle across the ground not really pissed, just annoyed at being called shady...so she gets pissed and wouldn't talk, we meet up with her friends at a restaurant and she sits a few seats away from me. I just sat there and didn't order anything, then she comes over after about 20 minutes and goes "whats wrong" like its no big deal at all. I didn't feel like saying anything so i didn't. We went back to my house and talked for a little, then i dropped her off. After that things returned to normal.

    For a while my parents were planning a divorce, i wasn't paying much attention to it, but all of a sudden my dad moved out one day. My mom decided to re-do the WHOLE HOUSE. I spent 3+ months helping with the house, my relationship with Kristy slowed down a lot because i didn't spend as much time with her, but i was looking forward to finishing my room so we could have a nice place to spend time together before she left for college. One day we were at my house, it was Thursday, May 10th...I was just about finished my room, i had about 2-3 more days left, when my biggest fear happened...she wanted a "break"...i knew this wasn't like last time, because she wasn't upset. She promised me she just needed time off, she called it "Time to think without the Stress of a relationship". That didn't make any fucking sense to me and i told her that, she claimed it was because i wasn't in the same situation. I told her i just didn't want to lose her, and she said "you wont, we will always be friends" and that kinda got me more upset. I had no choice, i had to agree because she wanted it. I figured she was just gonna think about things and then come talk to me after a little while. She said we could try a "Friends with benefits" thing, but just not a relationship, i wasn't sure about that and didn't give an answer. The first week i was fine with it and figured it wouldn't last long...then it started to hit me, it was gonna take a while. One day i took her to see her aunt, and after that i wanted to talk at my house but she didn't want to. We came back to my house and when i tried to kiss her she wouldn't let me, i asked her why, she said "I don't need that stuff right now".  I asked her if she thought about us yet, and she said "I don't know what i want"...i cracked, i couldn't believe what was happening after almost 10 months of being so close, none of it made any sense to me. I kept bugging her for answers and she kept saying "I haven't thought about it yet" "I'm thinking about too much other stuff"...Then one day i found out she was hooking up with someone else, that just added more weight to my pain, she said "it just happened"...what the fuck ever. I got the same shit for 3 weeks, those were the 3 longest weeks of my life. One day i told her i couldn't take it anymore, and she promised me she would talk to me about it when she got back from her Vacation.

    She went on vacation for a week, and the pain i went through waiting for her to come home was immense. I beat myself up trying to figure out what she was gonna say, i really had no clue if she would want to get back together or not. I kept thinking about the lies and games she kept playing with me, and couldn't make sense of them. I always tried my hardest to make her happy, and i loved doing anything and everything for her..."why would she do this to me" i kept asking myself, and the only answer i could come up with was that maybe she didn't have any feelings for me anymore. I sent her a long email explaining how i felt and that i wanted to get back together, but i also told her not to do anything she didn't want to do....the week went by really slow, i tried to keep busy by doing as much as i could outside of the house, but whatever i tried, nothing helped.

    Friday came and i knew she was coming home, but i thought it was gonna be late and that i would talk to her Saturday. I called about 7pm just to see if she came back yet, and she was sleeping. She called me about 8 and asked me to pick her up to hang out because she had stuff to do Saturday. I asked her if she read my email and all she said was "yeah"...i picked her up and she started talking about the kid she hooked up with, telling me he called her from Georgia (he went to camp for 4 months). I was already frustrated and upset like hell, and here she is telling me about how she thinks she misses him, but she wasn't "sure" if she missed him she told me. I asked her for an answer and once again i got "i dot have one yet", i got pissed but didn't let her know, i just bugged her all night for a damn answer, and i finally got it out of her after 2-3 hours, she didn't want to get back together.

    After i finally had an answer, realization hit me very hard, but i think all the time i had before the answer helped soften it a bit. I was upset like hell and confused even more, but there was nothing i could do. I already told her how i felt and that made no difference to her, she did not want a relationship anymore. For the first week i tried to just deal with it, but i couldn't get the questions out of my mind, and i couldn't get the pain our of my chest. When we hung out again after about a week, it was really hard for me, i kept wanting to walk up behind her and wrap my arms around her, but i couldn't anymore. I decided i needed to kept my distance from her as best i could, until i got better. I still talked to her online and the phone because i knew she was having a hard time with everything else that was going on in her life, because she was leaving for college at the end of the summer and none of her friends were gonna be there. I tried to just be there as a friend for her. After talking with her a few nights i realized she didn't want to talk to me about anything. Every time i asked her to tell me what was wrong, she would say "just stuff" and refused to talk to me about anything. I asked why she wouldn't talk and she told me "I don't talk to anyone anymore". I asked her what she meant by 'anymore', and she wouldn't tell me. I started getting frustrated, because she would always bring up the fact that "stuff" was bothering her, but she wouldn't tell me what that "stuff" was. We got into a few arguments over it, and one night it turned into a huge fight. I felt like crap after the fight but i didn't know what to do, i wanted her to understand what she put me through and understand how i felt, but i didn't want to make her feel any worse then she already did. As much as i tried to not make her feel worse, i know the fight did. She wanted me to just be a friend, and i wanted to also, but it was so hard for me to do that without questioning things.

    1 week before she left for college, we hung out so i could say goodbye. It had been 2 months since i saw her, and it was just so hard to look at her and hug her. We hung out for about an hour, then i dropped her at home. We made plans to see each other one last time before she left, but when the time came she refused to let me stop by her house, she said "its too weird right now" but she wouldn't explain what she meant by that. She left for college leaving me all confused and upset, and nothing i could do about it. The first 3 weeks she was gone she called me every day, i started wondering if maybe she was missing me, and that led me to start thinking about a whole lot of things, like us getting back together. She came home for 1 weekend 3 weeks after leaving, and once again, she wouldn't let me hang out with her. She said "its still feels too weird", and i still had no god damn clue what she meant, and she refused to explain it to me. When she got back to college we just started arguing like crazy online and the phone. She found new friends and started hanging out all over the place, she would brag to me about how its always her and 2 girls with about 5-6 guys. It got me jealous and upset as hell, and i started asking her what she was doing with all these guys and she tells me "Why do you always want to know what I'm doing every time i hang out with guys". Shit like this went on for about 2 weeks.

    After 4 months (May-September) this girl was still tormenting me, i start telling her i needed her out of my life if i was ever going to be happy again. After a full summer of her not being there for me when i needed her to help me understand things, and all the lies and bullshit she fed to me, i couldn't think of anything but getting her out of my life in order to start healing. 2 days went past and she called me up and said "I wanted to tell you something, but your being an asshole, so never mind" and hung up. I called her back asking her what the fuck her problem was, and she tells me she had something to tell me. I asked her what it was, and she says "Iv been dating Matt since June", and she just sat there waiting for my reaction. I got more pissed off then i have ever been at her in my life just then, and i cursed her out and called her all kinds of names and told her to never call me again. The next day i was online and her friend Zoey was using her Screen name online, Zoey told me Kristy had been going out with Matt since her Birthday (Her birthday is May 12th, 2 days before she had put us on "break"). That hit me like 50 tons of fucking steel, I broke down like hell when i found that out. All my confusion, all my pain, all my anger, all my suffering was multiplied by a million in a split second. She dragged me through this long fucking ride through hell, all along she had the ability to cut me lose and she choose to stand there with the knife in hand and just watch me suffer. How could the person i loved more then the world do this to me. Nothing made sense to me all summer, and all of a sudden it was perfectly clear, she fell in love with someone else.